NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM (A.K.A. Matt Lewis)
While waiting in line for the midnight premiere of HP7P2 many in our group (straight girls and gay boys alike) were discussing Neville’s recent outings on the red carpet. My friend asked, “Wait, what happened to Neville?”. In unison, we all yelled “He got hot!!”
And really, that was just the final piece of the puzzle. Who doesn’t love Neville? He’s always there to help Harry et al, is an absolute sweetie, and charming in that innocent sort of way.
Killed Voldemort’s snake/actually kills Voldey: +1000
Got his teeth fixed: +1000
Looks like a young Clive Owen: +35
Has that delicious british accent: +28
Final Tally: 2063. Earning him the distinction of WILF (Wizard I’d Like to Fuck).
[Note: Yes, the numbers are a bit inflated but killing Voldemort is really fucking important. And him getting his teeth fixed was just as important to his hotness as him killing Voldemort was to the world.]
I don’t know how to break this to you, but your childhood self probably wanted to fuck Rufio.
Rufio led the fucking Lost Boys, he could handle a sword, and he rocked those feathers like a champ. Clearly, this was a guy setting the level of sexual energy in a kids’ movie at a completely inappropriate level.
(Sidenote: The kid who played Rufio went on to voice Zuko on Avatar: The Last Airbender. Zuko could also get it.)
Knows how to make an entrance: +84 points
Willing to nobly hand over leadership to the true Pan, even though it’s Robin Williams: +61 points
Related Peter Pan envy (which would get exhausting real quick): -23 points
Might let you ride around on his wheeled kitesurfing board: +99 points
Did we mention the sword?: +32 points
TOTAL: Considering that actor was 16, a wholly inappropriate 253 points.
Why didn’t anyone tell me how sexy young Jeff Bridges is?? He’s a great actor, yeah, but now he’s got the sort of mountain man thing happening with his hair. He’s the actor my mom (and everyone’s mom) finds attractive now. But Jeff Bridges as Flynn in Tron? They knew what they had on their hands. That’s why there is a gratuitous shirtless shot about 10 minutes into the film. (Side note: The dialogue in this film is unintentionally hilarious. Everyone takes computer program oppression so seriously, but Jeff seems to be in on the joke.)
Tight spandex football-player pants while in computer: +55
Head full of gorgeous hair: +37
Charming, playful, smart, funny computer nerd: +26
Fights for the freedom of the oppressed computer programs: +42
Owns an arcade (free games for life!): +13
TOTAL: A very good 173. Probably 373 if my mom was writing this.
Yes, Anne Hathaway/Princess Mia Thermopolis of Genovia did pick Chris Pine/Nicholas Deveraux over this guy (and who can blame her?), but he certainly has some charm and a pretty face. Also, Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement is one of the best worst movies ever, so he has that going for him.
Willing to do the noble thing and marry a girl he doesn’t love so she can be queen: +34
Photography nerd: +23
Likes tweed: +18
Has a JFK vibe going on: +56
TOTAL: A hard earned 131.
Seriously, Claire Danes as Juliet? You passed up on this piece for Romeo? Idiot.
Doesn’t Cry All the Time: 34 points
Didn’t Kill Anybody: 80 points
Dressed Up As an Astronaut: 92 points
Looks Like Paul Rudd: 1,073 points
TOTAL: 1,279 points, of course.
This So You Think You Can Dance dancer will two-step his way into your heart… and then your pants. He seems to have a great personality, obviously has great talent, and is really, really easy on the eyes.
Hot Dancer Bod: +45
Nickname choosing ability: +17
Sensitive (because all dancers are sensitive, right?): +38
Danced with Ellen DeGeneres and loved it: +87
The outfit in this particular photo: -4
TOTAL: A very good showing of: 183
Hoo boy, look at that fine-ass specimen of cartoon manhood. Captain Shang may be the most underrated Disney gentleman caller, but he definitely earns his title of “Military Hero Whose Business We Would Get All Up In.”
Captain Li Shang
Daddy Issues: 40 points
Moonlit Brooding: 12 points
That Chest: 67 points
Ability to Make a Man Out of You: 113 points
TOTAL: A thoroughly respectable 232 points.